I feel old tonight.

Tomorrow we are attending a high school graduation party of a terrific young man. I first met Cody when he was a week old and his parents were talking with mine about purchasing some land from us. How can he be graduating high school already? Wasn't it just last year that he was insisting on wearing his Elmo shirt two days in a row? Surely it was just last summer that I would babysit, and Cody and I would take walks on the pea graveled county road with his younger sister, stepping into the long grass every time a car went by.

Thirty three doesn't seem very old most days, but when I look back at all the years that have flown by since I first met that wiggly little baby who is now a gracious young man, I feel old.

What will I feel like when it is my own children who are on the cusp of adulthood?

Vincent is Luis reborn. Luis has a knack for doing anything after just watching it. Vincent inherited it. Vincent also has problem solving skills beyond the normal scope of a four year old.

He started putting up our pop-up camper today. Correctly. If I had come out five minutes later, I have no doubt I would have seen the top raised all the way and the bed partially out. He had to open up the door to get out the crank necessary to put it up. That door was locked, and the only key was with Luis all day. How does a four year old pick a lock?

After putting the camper back to rights, I noticed the garage door was open. It's an old fashioned one without an opener, but he's been able to open it since he was 3. The air pump was out and correctly attached to the fully inflated wheel of his bicycle.

He had been outside alone for a total of 10 minutes.

Can you imagine what he could do in a half an hour?

Summer means bare feet running through the grass.

It means dirty soles, stubbed toes and skinned knees.

Sandals are cast off, strewn around the yard, bright spots of color like flowers amidst the green of the grass.

Run quickly across the scorching pavement to feel the cool softness of the grass on your feet. Do that hop-run as you encounter the thistle papa missed.

Dip your toes in the wading pool, letting the water envelope your feet and lap at your ankles. Stomp in a puddle after an afternoon rain, sending droplets everywhere.

Look out for the rocks hiding in the yard and walk carefully over the mulch. Bandages tattoo small toes caked in dirt, and nails stay rimmed in black even after being washed.

Bare feet have returned to our neighborhood.

Welcome Summer!

Too often we have come to the end of the season and wondered to ourselves "where did it go?" We have driven by the same parks for years and each time commented that we need to stop in there someday. This year, it is someday.

A week ago, when driving by Donald Park and saying yet again that we needed to stop there, we finally turned the car around and stopped there. We then spent the next 90 minutes hiking the trail through the woods and open land. Luis and I talked about things that we hadn't made the time to talk about lately, the kids ran ahead, dawdled behind and threw pieces of grass into the Mount Vernon Creek. Simon looked in wonder at the sky and then napped in the sling.

We made the decision that for the rest of the summer and fall, we will hike together as a family at least once a week.

Today we visited New Glarus Woods state park. We parked the car in nearby New Glarus, then hiked the path over to the park. We watched red wing blackbirds and swallows dive in the prairie and listened to woodpeckers in the woods. At the ranger house, we met the ranger, who is also a non-Christian homeschooler. After an interesting conversation with him, we invited his family to join our homeschool group. We ate our lunch sitting on rocks and found a bench at the top of a hill to sit upon and talk. Abigail took pictures with her camera, and Isabella bounced down hills. Vincent ran down the path, arms flying out the side and his voice filled with joy as he spotted each marker, and Simon alternately napped and stared wide-eyed at the sun-dappled canopy of leaves as he hung out in the mei tai.

The guidebook for the trail was unique. Instead of pointing out various flora and fauna, it posed philosophical question about man's role in the natural world. There were discussion points, things to think about, quotes from people like John Muir and poetry. Much of it was over the children's level of thinking, but Abigail and Isabella did absorb some of it. It gave interesting food for thought.

Four miles and over three hours of living in the moment. It was time well spent.

Organic. It's a buzz word. What does it mean? It means that a food was grown without the use of certain chemicals or pesticides or the fabric material was grown and processed without certain things. That's all.

Organic does not mean healthier for the person eating the food or wearing the shirt. It does not mean that fewer resources were consumed in the making, transport and packaging of the item. It does not mean that the workers who picked the tomato were given a living wage.

I know that our local Sugar River Dairy yogurt is created with milk from a few herds of chemical-free local cows. It's not certified organic, but I know a lot more about it than I do about where Stoneyfield yogurt comes from.

I don't care if the person whom I buy my sweet corn from at the local farmer's market is certified organic because I can talk with her and find out how she grows her corn. I can go pick strawberries and build a relationship of trust the with the grower, knowing first hand how she cares for her plants. I can visit the farm where our beef comes from and see for myself how the cows are pastured and treated. By raising our chickens, I know exactly how our egg layers and meat birds were raised.

I'll take locally grown items over certified organic any day. Certified organic foods from the grocery store don't let me build a community with my purchases. By shopping locally, my dollars stay within our community, my relationships in the area grow and I save the resources it took to transport that strawberry from a continent away.

Nothing is better than the strawberry or tomato that only makes the 20' trip from the garden to our kitchen. Nothing else tastes that good or makes me feel as satisfied. But since that isn't an option for all foods thanks to a city yard, I'm happy to also shop local and so thankful for all the choices I have for non-certified organic foods locally.

Please keep supporting your local food vendors. Help the family farm evolve and survive in a new agricultural world.

Quick update on the last 18 months in case anyone is actually out there reading this. Life has changed a lot

Came back from sister's wedding in Mexico. Fabulous trip. The kids still ask weekly when we can go back.

Clearance sale for Peanut Butter Kisses about two weeks later. It was a quick decision that I'd been mulling over for a while.

About three weeks after deciding to shut down PBK, I decided to get my real estate sales license. Signed up for the class online and studied like crazy for three weeks. Took my test, passed on the first try and joined a local firm two blocks away from my home. I love working as a realtor! It's got all the flexibility I need, and with a cell phone and internet connection, I can do much of my work from anywhere.

Fast forward to summer '06. Decided to try for a fourth baby. Baby was conceived and I had a great pregnancy. I stayed active and watched what I ate, gaining only 20 lbs. Since I started off the pregnancy with extra weight, I wanted to limit my gain to 15-25 lbs.

January '07. Luis is laid off from construction for 1-6 weeks according to his company. We impulsively (long story) take up the carpet in our upstairs hall, living room and sitting room. Luis refinishes the hardwood floors. They look fabulous.

He finishes that and takes his real estate sales course. He passes his test and joins my firm. The construction company extends the layoff to 8 weeks, then 10. He's not going back.

March '07. Simon is born on Abigail's birthday. It was a wonderful, intense homebirth. Simon is amazing and we are so happy to have him with us. Our family is now complete in my opinion.

I was at a lecture at our local arts center recently. The subject was a poet, Lorrine Niedecker. I'd never heard of her before the lecture, but it was quite interesting. Her poetry was radically different from what I normally read; it was modern, sometimes minimalist, free-form poetry. I couldn't always understand what the point of the poem was or what the subject was, but still it struck me on a deeply emotional level. I found it fascinating how much emotion it evoked even though I couldn't understand it.

After the lecture, there was reception with the lecturer in the gallery. I found myself talking with the lecturer, and he asked if I was a writer. It's a logical question to ask someone who attends a lecture on a (nowadays) obscure poet. I wasn't quite sure how to answer; I said not really. I don't write poetry; I don't write books or articles. I have never been published and I know I never will be. Yet I couldn't simply answer his question with a no. I love the written word. I enjoy composing my thoughts and putting them down onto paper or the computer screen. I mull things over until the words overflow and must be written out. I like to take the time to find the right word, the perfect phrase.

No, I'm not a writer. Yes, I am a writer. Both would have been correct answers to that simple question, yet neither would have conveyed the full story. Verbal communication being a weak point for me, I settled for an answer that was less honest and less complete than either of these would have been.

The simple question he asked me lead me to come back to this blog that I abandoned nearly two years ago. I enjoy writing down my thoughts. I hope I will continue to do so rather than abandon this blog again.

My heart aches for the people of the Gulf Coast whose lives have been radically altered by Hurricane Katrina. However, as I read news stories about the event, one statement in many different articles keeps catching my eye. People who stayed to live out the hurricane say that the hurricane passed, things seemed like they would be all right, but then the levees broke and the worst devastation came.

The worst devastation came not from nature, not from the storm, but from man's interference with the natural order of things, from our desire to make homes and cities in places that they have no business being. We have the scientific knowledge to do things like cloning, but the moral implications are tremendous. We have the knowledge of how to make areas best suited for low-density living accommodate large urban and suburban communities, but we need to consider the not only the environmental but also the moral implications. Is it right to invest millions or billions of dollars of construction, infrastructure and consumer goods in an area that is routinely devastated by nature? If the areas didn't have a false sense of security from the leevees, would there be the large cities and urban environments that suffer greater devastation from the environment (devastation in the loss of life as well as loss of property and infrastructure that will need to be rebuilt)?

Part of me feels cruel for voicing these thoughts. I do not blame these people for their suffering. I do believe that the army corp of engineers felt it was doing good with the levee system and the work they did over the last century restucturing the Mississippi River (that is a subject that fascinates and horrifies me). However what are the long term ramifications? Is it right for us to attempt to control our environment to a minute degree, then be surprised and horrified when nature throws off these shackles?

I've finally clarified my thoughts on having a fourth child. I want another child. I do feel that there is another member of our family that should be here. I do not want another baby. I have no desire to be pregnant again, give birth again, breastfeed for another 3 years, change diapers for another 2 years. I'm enjoying being at a different stage of life, one where we can drop all the kids of with grandparents for all afternoon while Luis and I go off by ourselves, one where I can work on the computer or sew for an hour without having to supervise a toddler closely, one where I know that I'm on the tail end of my breastfeeding career.

Unfortunately, you can't get a child without a baby unless you adopt, which is something we've never felt called to do and is something I doubt we'd do.

So, even though I've clarified my thoughts, and after discussing it depth with Luis found out he feels similarly, we are no closer to deciding if we should try for number 4 than we were last spring.

Over the last few years, Luis and I have been changing the way we eat. It started with gardening. Eating vegetables or tomatoes picked fresh in the garden that day is such a delicious way to live. Then Luis saw "The Meatrix" and was finally ready to purchase natural beef rather than support factory farming. We purchased some laying chickens for fresh eggs daily. In the last year, our push has been to eat more local foods and more seasonal foods. Fruits and vegetables purchased from a farm stand or picked ourselves at local U-Pick places put the taste of store bought foods to shame. We will not purchase strawberries, watermelon or peaches from a supermarket anymore. As part of our push to eat local and support small businesses, we decided to stop eating at fast food and chain restuarants. Part of this decision had to do with our other eating changes as well. Once you develop a taste for fresh foods, fast food and chain restuaurant foods don't taste nearly as good as they used to. We'd end up feeling sick to our stomachs and generally ugh if we ate fast food, regardless of which brand. This summer, we decided to raise a flock of meat chickens. I've missed the flavor of chicken, but have a hard time spending $2+ a lb for naturally and humanely rasied stuff. They are growing right now, and we will be butchering them in fall.

It's been a series of small changes, but what a difference each has made, both in the way we live and the way we enjoy our food. Not eating fast food and selecting small businesses to support instead means we travel differently. We enjoy more of each town we visit, meet people and learn more about the community than we would if we just picked up some fast food burgers. We travel at a different pace; even if we are just passing through a town, we are forced to drive through it to find that little diner or restuarant, thereby seeing more of the town and learning more about it. It makes our trips feel more relaxed; we take longer for lunch and enjoy it more. Such a small change makes such a big difference. We are more apt to stop in at a farmer's market for quick snack on a Saturday morning. We are more likely to try regional specialties. Our relationship with our food has changed too. We value each steak, roast and hamburger more when we know the farmer who raised the cow we eat. We savor the flavor of the tomatoes, broccoli and spinach more when we know how much work we did growing, harvesting and storing it.

Life is better when we can slow down, taking the time to appreciate and savor every flavor that comes our way. Supporting the independent business and regional differences, taking time to see more than just the highway, connecting with our foods and communities, these are Good Things.

So I heard on NPR today that studies have shown that Echinacea does not work to prevent colds. They interviewed some doctors about these studies and all the doctors were saying how some people will still take Echinacea because they have given themselves the mental illusion of Echinacea working. The medical professionals were extremely condescending. Before I will believe three scientific studies over centuries of folk wisdom, I want to know what form of Echinacea the subjects were given and a few more details about the studies. Excuse me for not ditching my herbals in favor of allopathic meds just because a scientific study says I should.

Abigail has been at my ILs since Sunday. We were in there for dinner and I asked her if she'd like to spend the night. She did and asked MIL, who of course was thrilled. Luis and I told her if she wanted to spend a second night, she could. She called yesterday and asked to spend a second night. They went to the zoo and out to eat yesterday, and I'm sure she has been having a great time. Luis is picking her up after work today. I told her last night that if she wanted to spend a third night, just let me know, but she didn't.

We have a set of stores in southwestern WI called Bargin Nook. They are a charity store, but the interesting thing about them is that Lands' End donates their unsellable stuff there. Things that have been returned, maybe things that have small tears or monograms. Old catalog lines or items from the outlets that haven't sold. Things like that. I stopped by the closest one yesterday looking for a winter coat for Isabella and some backpacks. The big LE warehouse sale is this week, and these were the main things the kids needed. I figured if I could get them at the Bargin Nook 20 minutes away, I wouldn't have to drive an hour to the warehouse sale. I found Isabella a Squall Parka, a backpack for each girl, a shirt for Abigail and a pair of water shoes for Vincent. Every thing was LE; everything was in perfect condition. The grand total? $29. Woohoo! I adore bargins like that. The kids still need some snow pants, but I'm not driving all the way to Dodgeville just for these.

BTW, I have no idea why there is this huge blank gap under my last post lately. I haven't changed my template or anything. It's really strange and bugging the beejeeebees out of me.

It was a hot one here today. The temps were in the upper 90s easily. We spent the day at the lake of a nearby state park with friends. It was a glorious day to be at the lake. The wind is always zippy up there, and the water felt wonderful. We played for hours, and Abigial discovered the joy of being tossed up into the air by the papas, then splashing down into the water. Unfortunately I wasn't as vigilant with the sunscreen as I thought I was, and I'm paying the price. My back is rosy and my shoulders are a bit sensitive. I did better on the kids thankfully; Vincent is fine and Abigail and Isabella only have rosy cheeks.

I'm still plugging away on the stole for my sister. There are about 6 weeks until the wedding, and I have about 125 rows to go. If I do about 8 rows a day, I can have it done in less than 3 weeks. Lace is not very fun, nor is knitting alpaca in the heat of summer. I wish I'd been more diligent last spring!

I just finished a very interesting book. It was called Braving Home, and it is about people whose homes are in tenous or unusual places, but who like it there and have no desire to leave. It was fascinating and many parts of it resonated deeply with me.

Just rambling on a rainy Saturday morning...

I'm starting to think people around here are overly dependent on air conditioning. As a child, we had a window air conditioner. It went on only a few times a summer, mostly on those 95+ degree humid days. It was turned on in the late afternoon and ran until the cool of the night set in during the wee hours of the morning. Most of my friends' families were similar. We do not have air in our home. It is very old with radiator heat, and central air would be impossible. We do have two window air conditioners, one of which we have never installed and the other of which we haven't used in three years. I close the blinds on the east side of the house in the morning, on the west in the afternoon. I open windows to catch the cross breeze, and leave them open at night to welcome the cool air. If it's really hot (over 90 and humid), we'll open the laundry shoot (about 1' square) and blow cool air up from the basement to the second story. We all cope with it just fine, yet we know many people who turn on their air the instant it is 80-85 degrees out, and simply cannot handle the idea of living without their air. We don't live in an apartment or in areas that are over 95 for weeks. Our nights cool down nicely. None of us has a health condition that would make handling heat hard and I'm not pregnant (the reason the window air conditioner went in 3 years ago). There really isn't a huge need for most people around here to have their air on for much of the summer. However, many spend their day in climate controlled officed and buildings. Their bodies are not given the chance to adjust to the heat gradually as the days warm up. I think this simple fact is the reason so many people cannot imagine life without air conditioning anymore. 85 degrees is absolutely gorgeous for most of us who are able to let our bodies adjust naturally to the seasons, but may bring complaints from people I know who live in air conditioning. It's too bad that so many people are missing out on the seasons like this.

The same thing can be said for heat in the winter. We keep ours at 60-61 degrees, and many people think we are nuts.

I fell off the weight loss wagon about 5 weeks ago, but the good news is I was still maintaining my weight. It stayed the same over 5 weeks, which I feel is a pretty good accomplishment. I've started getting serious again this week. I've dropped 1.75 lbs this week, bringing my total weight loss so far to 28 lbs. I've still got another 11 I want to lose at this point. It's amazing how well the classic "eat less, exercise more" regime actually works!

I've decided to work on weaning myself from emoticons. I was listening to something on NPR the other day (actually, it may have been WPR now that I think about it) which helped me make this decision. Someone was talking about how writers through the centuries managed to portrary emotions, thoughts, feelings and tone without resorting to little clusters of characters with special meaning. Too true. So instead of hammering home my emotions with emoticons, I decided I should start trying to simply be more expressive in my writing.

Now if only I could learn proper use of commas. I had a language arts teacher in 7th grade who instructed us to put commas "anywhere you would naturally pause while speaking". That has forever messed up my punctuation usage.

I'm hosting my sister's bridal shower today. The flowers are arranged, most of the food is done, the games are ready. I hope it will be a fun day. It will be at my aunt's house an hour away since most of the guests live up there. I'm going without the kids, and I'll be getting there early to set up and staying late to help her clean up. I figure with driving, set up, clean up and the party itself, I'll be gone about 7-8 hours. We'll see if Luis appreciates my day more after this day is through. After a day like this he always appreciates the work I do around the house much more for a while.

Vincent qualifies for speech therapy through the county. Unfortunately, due to scheduling issues on the part of the therapist and coordinator, the review of his evaluation with me won't be for two weeks, and therapy can't start until then. He'll only get about 2 months from this before he turns three, but hopefully that will be enough. We don't know if we want to go through the school district once he's over three.

Abigail and Isabella are doing great with their swimming lessons. Isabella is still scared, but she's overcoming it and trying some new things. We went camping over the weekend, and the campground had a pool. I couldn't get over the change in their abilities in just on week of daily lessons.

It's summer solstice today, longest day of the year. We'll have a little family celebration tonight. The girls love this sabbat. We have them jump a candle instead of jumping a larger fire, and they think that is great fun. Some friends are having a celebration and bonfire on Thursday, so we'll be getting two celebrations this year.

We took out Vincent's stitches yesterday. The finger tip is healing up pretty well, but he is definately going to have a scare. I also think that he will end up losing his fingernail. It's getting really ugly looking.

I was browsing at my neighbor's garage sale yesterday and saw some size 8 shorts. I was feeling like my 10s were a bit big in the waist, and curious, I tried to pull on a pair of size 8s. They FIT, even wearing them over my khaki capris. 8 was my goal size, but since I still have another 12-13 lbs I'd like to lose, I could easily end up in a 6! I even bought a two piece swimming suit on Monday. Granted the bottom is a skirtini, but the top is a true bikini top, not the more modest tankini. My upper abs are looking good, if I do say so myself. Those darn lower abs, not so much. I think it's due to the c-section with Abigail, and I doubt they will ever really firm up.

This summer school and swimming lessons every day thing is kicking my butt. The transportation sucks, and while it's cool to see the girls progressing in their swimming already after just 3 days, 1-2 pm lessons are totally screwing up Vincent's sleeping. Abigail also wanted to take the bus home. The first day, I called after the bus was 25 minutes late demanding to know where she was. They found out the buses hadn't left the school yet, and it would be another 20-30 minutes. I had them pull her off and picked her up myself. The second day, I didn't even bother with the bus, but we decided to try it again yesterday. The buses left the school 20 minutes late, and then when she was dropped off, it was 2 blocks away from where the letter said her stop was. I was waiting at the prescribed stop, and Abigail walked herself home, crossing a moderately busy street to do so. Luckily I had my phone with me and a friend was at our house, calling me when Abigial showed up by herself. I was livid and called the school district in fury. Apparently the bus company changed the stop and was supposed to call everyone to let them know. We were never called, and I know that for sure because I check every single missed call via caller id for my business. I left a scathing message for the bus company yesterday too, and they had better call me back this morning. I haven't decided what we are doing about bussing today. Sigh. She really enjoyed the bus and is excited about it, but with only 50 minutes for lunch, changing and getting to the swimming lessons if her bus is on time, I don't know if I can keep on taking the chances of it being so late.

A speech therapist is coming to evalute Vincent today. He's been improving, but not as much as I'd hoped. We are going through our county's birth to 3 programs, so this would only a few months of therapy if it's warranted, and it's home-based, play-based so I can see what they are doing and continue myself. We can stop at any time if we we decided we didn't want to do the therapy afterall.

This one is a cyber-pbbbbtttt to everyone in my life who claims that eating a diet of whole food doesn't really matter, or that there is no harm in feeding the kids junk for a day or two. I'm seriously considering making copies of the article to give to some of these people.

From On Wisconsin, the UW-Madison Alumni magazine:

In 1998, Wisconsin's Appleton Central Alternative High School was dealing with worrisome discipline problems in the classroom. Students were caught with drugs and weapons. They were hostile to each other and to their teachers, and their behavior was out of control.

Did the school turn to a psychologist, a consultant, or an educational specialist? No - they contacted Paul Stitt MS '69, the owner of Natural Ovens Bakery.

"When the Appleton school system came to us and said could you help us, we said we'd love to," Stitt says. "And we said, 'Certainly, we know how to correct the situation. Throw out all the vending machines with all the high-sugar, high-fat foods; throw out the pop machines loaded with sugar; put in water coolers; and start educating the kids about what they need to do to be good to their bodies'."

Stit and his spouse, Barbara, underwrote a program that allowed the school to start serving a menu emphasizing fresh fruits and vegetables, whole-grain products, entrees free of chemicals and additives, and energy drinks.

The results were dramatic. Truancy rates took a nose dive. Grades shot up. Vandalism and littering went down. The alternative school went five years with no expulsions, no dropouts, no drugs on campus, no weapons and no suicides. It was the only school in Appleton with a perfect record during that period.

Although the food costs were higher, the school saved money because it no longer had to pay for a full-time police officer, and with better discipline, it was able to increase class size from eight to fifteen students.

And this:

The Appleton program was originally inspired by Barbara Stitt's work as a probation officer. She realized that a lot of her probationers were junk food junkies who lived on soda, caffeine, and sugar, and not much else. When she showed them how to follow a healthy diet, those who stayed on it were amazed at how different they felt, and their improved attitudes and behaviors helped them stay out of jail.

And this:

One technique that Stitt says was especially effective with the Appleton students was an agreement that if the kids would eat healthy for a month, then they would get a junk food day. But after one day of eating all the snacks, desserts and soda they wanted, he says "they were so shocked and dismayed at their awful behaviour and the terrible way they felt that some of the teenagers actually begged us never to require another junk food day. They couldn't believe that they could go from feeling so good to just becoming an animal. No one ever imagined that a simple thing like vitamins and minerals and so forth could make such a huge difference. They thought it was a lack of religion or training or home life or something else."

Mary Bruyette, and English teacher at the school, concurs. "Students told me how awful they felt after the junk food day, and they said they never wanted to feel that way again."

A year ago, my aunt's long time boyfriend died suddenly at the age of 55. It was a shock, to say the least. Today, there was a memorial golf outing and picnic fundraiser for the American Diabetes Association in his memory. We were gone all day, as Luis did the golf outing. It was a very nice day, except for our emergency. The picnic was at the AmericanLegion hall and park. Vincent and Luis were playing on the turret gun (as all American Legions and VFWs have in their parks) when Vincent's finger was smashed in a part that still opened. The pressure was so intense that it blew out the bottom of his finger. It was really deep and wide, and even Luis felt it would need stitches. (When it comes to illnesses and fevers, I'm the voice of reason and treatment; injuries are his specialty and he treats almost all of the kids injuries.) We rushed him to urgent care, and he ended up with 5 stitches in his finger tip, x-rays to make sure the tip of the bone wasn't crushed and a huge bandage. He was great during the waiting, screamed and cried during the injection and suturing, and then happy the rest of the evening. Luis feels just awful, but it was an accident.

Summer is here. Lazy, crazy days of summer. Daisy and Brownie Scouts, homeschool gym, homeschool art, science club and soccer are all over for now. Time to relax, except for the fact the softball starts next week along with summer school. Abigail asked to take some summer school classes this year. They are really cool little short courses. She is taking Spanish, Art Around the World and Fit Kids (gym games). Plus swimming lessons are offered too, so both girls are taking those. You can't beat the price. Abigail's taking 3 classes in one session and both girls have 2 sessions of swimming lesson; the total cost was $15. Unfortunately I was thinking the sessions were 2 weeks long. I was willing to work around 3 hours of classes every day for 2 weeks and swimming lessons every day for 4 weeks. Unfortunately, they are 3 weeks long, and I didn't realize it until too late. So they have swimming lessons every day for SIX weeks. Ugh. I don't do so well with long term commitments that happen every single day. I'm really not looking forward to this, but at least they will be a lot more comfortable in the water by the end of this. That will be very good for when we go to Mexico in the fall.

The garden is loving the hot weather we are having here lately. I've harvested a ton of spinach and salad greens already. Much of the broccoli (we have 40 plants so far) is getting ready for the first harvest, and I'll need to start the second group of seedlings very soon. My carrots had a really low germination rate so far this year, unfortunately, but the squash and pumpkin vines are growing nicely. I'm trying to grow two of the squash (one summer and a small winter one) vertically this year. It would save so much garden space if this is successful. I normally don't grow much squash because I don't want to give up that much garden for those long vines, but it's something we really like to eat. I'm also trying potatoes for the first time this year. They look beautiful. I need to hill them up some more this week. My pear trees are fully leafed out now, and the cherries that are on my little cherry tree are starting to get a little blush at the bottom.

Abigail has been asking to color her hair a wild color for months now, probably since last fall. We told her repeatedly that she could do it in summer. Today, we picked up a box of temporary plum hair coloring, and she and Isabella now have adorable pink-purple hair. It should wash out in 8-10 shampoos, but they are hoping that it lasts a long, long time.

Okay, the real reason we picked up the hair coloring is I have been wanting to put purple streaks in my hair for a year now, but kept putting off buying the box because it's so not how other people see me and I didn't want to freak out some of the people I know around town, plus I was having a hard time visualizing what it would look like. Since the girls wanted to do this too, it seemed like a perfect time to indulge my desire without looking too totally freaky. I absolutely love it, and definately will be doing this again. To heck with other people's opinions, this is fun.

I've been struggling with the decision of whether or not I want a fourth child again. On the one hand, I'm really enjoying the freedom that comes with the children getting older. I like not having a child in diapers, being able to run out alone or drop the kids off at a friends for a little while if I need to do something. Parenting the way I believe infants deserve is very draining. I'm not sure I have it in me to deal with the intensity of the first year again, as much as I enjoyed it. I don't know if I want to take on another toddlerhood, or to change the dynamic of our family again. Part of me is also a little nervous about labor again; the last birth was so intense that I don't know how I'll handle it again if it's like that.

On the other hand, it is wonderful to bring a new person into the world, to nourish and care for them, to guide them, love them and watch them grow and learn. I've said for years that I want four kids, do I really feel complete now? I think I could stop now and be comfortable with that decision, but there would always be a little kernel of doubt and regret in the back of my mind. Each age is so wonderful, from those little newborn days with the soft skin and long fingers, to the toddler exploration age, to the preschool learning sponge stage and the elementary growing up stage. It would be fun to watch one last child go through these stages.

Luis really wants one more, but even he admits that he isn't the one who handles most of the parenting. Is it fair to him to stop now, when he wants one more? Is it fair to me to have another when I'm not sure? Will I ever be sure if we stop at three? I know four is my limit, and if we have four, there won't be discussion of five. I just can't see either of us doing that.

I'm conflicted, to say the least. However, I'm starting to lean more towards having a fourth. Six months ago, I was no where near as conflicted as I am now. Six months ago, I was definately not ready, but now? Maybe.

Maybe.