I've been struggling with the decision of whether or not I want a fourth child again. On the one hand, I'm really enjoying the freedom that comes with the children getting older. I like not having a child in diapers, being able to run out alone or drop the kids off at a friends for a little while if I need to do something. Parenting the way I believe infants deserve is very draining. I'm not sure I have it in me to deal with the intensity of the first year again, as much as I enjoyed it. I don't know if I want to take on another toddlerhood, or to change the dynamic of our family again. Part of me is also a little nervous about labor again; the last birth was so intense that I don't know how I'll handle it again if it's like that.

On the other hand, it is wonderful to bring a new person into the world, to nourish and care for them, to guide them, love them and watch them grow and learn. I've said for years that I want four kids, do I really feel complete now? I think I could stop now and be comfortable with that decision, but there would always be a little kernel of doubt and regret in the back of my mind. Each age is so wonderful, from those little newborn days with the soft skin and long fingers, to the toddler exploration age, to the preschool learning sponge stage and the elementary growing up stage. It would be fun to watch one last child go through these stages.

Luis really wants one more, but even he admits that he isn't the one who handles most of the parenting. Is it fair to him to stop now, when he wants one more? Is it fair to me to have another when I'm not sure? Will I ever be sure if we stop at three? I know four is my limit, and if we have four, there won't be discussion of five. I just can't see either of us doing that.

I'm conflicted, to say the least. However, I'm starting to lean more towards having a fourth. Six months ago, I was no where near as conflicted as I am now. Six months ago, I was definately not ready, but now? Maybe.

Maybe.