I've been struggling with the decision of whether or not I want a fourth child again. On the one hand, I'm really enjoying the freedom that comes with the children getting older. I like not having a child in diapers, being able to run out alone or drop the kids off at a friends for a little while if I need to do something. Parenting the way I believe infants deserve is very draining. I'm not sure I have it in me to deal with the intensity of the first year again, as much as I enjoyed it. I don't know if I want to take on another toddlerhood, or to change the dynamic of our family again. Part of me is also a little nervous about labor again; the last birth was so intense that I don't know how I'll handle it again if it's like that.

On the other hand, it is wonderful to bring a new person into the world, to nourish and care for them, to guide them, love them and watch them grow and learn. I've said for years that I want four kids, do I really feel complete now? I think I could stop now and be comfortable with that decision, but there would always be a little kernel of doubt and regret in the back of my mind. Each age is so wonderful, from those little newborn days with the soft skin and long fingers, to the toddler exploration age, to the preschool learning sponge stage and the elementary growing up stage. It would be fun to watch one last child go through these stages.

Luis really wants one more, but even he admits that he isn't the one who handles most of the parenting. Is it fair to him to stop now, when he wants one more? Is it fair to me to have another when I'm not sure? Will I ever be sure if we stop at three? I know four is my limit, and if we have four, there won't be discussion of five. I just can't see either of us doing that.

I'm conflicted, to say the least. However, I'm starting to lean more towards having a fourth. Six months ago, I was no where near as conflicted as I am now. Six months ago, I was definately not ready, but now? Maybe.

Maybe.

We spent the weekend at our friends' cabin with them. We get up there once a year, hopefully more often this year. It is such a peaceful and beautiful spot. I took time each morning to walk alone along the road. It's off the beaten path, a gravel road in Amish country. As I walk along, I can see the hoof prints of horses and the lines of the carriage tires. I hear no traffic, just the sounds of pheasant, turkey, bluejays, even a hawk screaming. Today I heard the gentle clip-clop of a horse-drawn buggy in the distance. It is such a peaceful start to the day. We can't wait to get back up there again, though hopefully it will be warmer! It was a cold, wet weekend, and we were thankful for the woodstove in the cabin. There is no heater, just the woodstove, which made everything cozy. Luis and I found morel mushrooms in the woods for the first time this year. We had never tried them before.

We also stopped at a large Amish nursery just up the road. I had been looking for a dwarf cherry tree this year. I bought two dwarf pear trees, but the nursery we normally by from was out of the Northstar cherry trees I wanted. Low and behold, I found them at the Yoder's greenhouses. They were so healthy and beautiful, I was just thrilled. They were even just the right height to slide into the van and make it back to the cabin, then home, without spilling dirt all over. I now have my Northstar dwarf cherry planted in the backyard. :) After giving up on it for this year, I'm very happy. I have to remember the Yoder's for next year. They were so personable and caring about their plants, making sure to tell me how to prune the tree and advising my friend about her blueberry selections. Places like that are a joy to buy from.

I had a weight goal I wanted to have met by today. I wanted to have lost 24 lbs from Feb 14 until today, about 13 weeks. I lost 22.5. I'm slightly bummed that I didn't make it, but considering that my size 10 pants are getting looser and I know that I'm adding even more muscle with my additional workout at the YMCA, I'm not too upset. I've lost a lot of weight. Now my next goal is to lose another 16.5 lbs between now and Aug 1, which would bring me back to the weight I was around the time we got married and into the healthy weight range for my height. We haven't decided yet about baby number 4. I'm kind of thinking of trying in July, which would of course alter this goal. However, I'd still be at a much healthier weight for pregnancy that I was any of the other three times.

I have to frog the Jig sweater I was slowly working on. I've realized that with my weight loss, it will be too big. I'm not willing to waste the yarn making something that won't even fit. The Jaegar Aqua was a serious investment for me. The Evening in Eden stole is coming along nicely. It will be for my sister to wear after her wedding on the beach this fall. The evening will probably be cool, and with her strapless gown she'll need something on her shoulders. It is so elegant and cozy in the cream alpaca. I want to make one for myself; I really like the lace pattern. I'm thrilled that she picked out something that looks so pretty while being so easy to create, at least as far as lace goes.

Isabella started soccer tonight. She was so excited, but a bit nervous when she was actually there. It helped that our neighbor's son is in the program too, and they ended up on the same team. She's a Bobcat. ;D She gave it her all, in her own way. She didn't want to steal the ball from the other kids (perhaps all those conversation about waiting your turn and not taking things from other kids have sunk in finally?), but really enjoyed kicking when the ball happened to come her way. She has 5 more game nights, and she can't wait. She really enjoyed herself.

Speaking of Isabella, I've been working with her on reading. Abigail did great with the Teach Your Child to Read in 100 Easy Lessons method (though we only did about 50 of the lessons). Isabella, not so much. I think she'll be more of a sight words reader. She can remember most of the sounds we've worked on, but anticipates the ending of words when she reads them and has difficulty with the process of blending sounds together when sounding something out. She'll says the sounds S, A, T, but when putting them together, she might say "Sam" instead of "Sat". It can be really frustrating, for both of us. I got the first set of Bob Books from the library to try with her, and I may have to buy them. We have the level 2 ones already, but with Abigail I never bought the level 1 books. Isabella sat down with me and read the first book almost right away. The book format instead of just a list of words to read really helped her confidence and concentration. The repetition of the words is great for someone like her who reads more by the word then by the sounds. We worked on the sounds C and D yesterday, and she read the second book yesterday, though the word Sad was a source of frustration as she kept wanting to say Sat.

It's tricky though because she is very smart with a pretty good memory. After only a couple of times through the first book, I think she is just reading it from memory, cued by the pictures. Today I had her touch under the words she was reading, just to make sure she was actually reading instead of just reciting the story. It did alter her cadence, so I think she has been just reciting some of the last few times she read that book to me.

It's trash days again this weekend. Two weekends a year, one for each half of town, residents can put out pretty much anything for trash and have it taken away. There are no quantity limits, and people only need to buy stickers for stuff like tires. We love these weekends. Curbside shopping at it's finest! Last weekend was time for our half of town, and we got so much out of the house. Some of it truly was trash, but we neatly put out (rather on display) all sorts of things that we might have saved for a garage sale if we'd chosen to do that this year, things that didn't go on freecycle or were just too small and random to freecycle (though having successfully freecycled an open bottle of Newman's Own salad dressing, minus one salad's worth of dressing, I can say that many small and random things will easily go on freecycle, LOL). Almost everything was gone by the time the trash trucks came around on Tuesday morning, picked up by other trash shoppers.

In exchange for our stuff, Luis came home with the following: a boatload of perfectly good large flower pots, some never used, which I wanted for the front porch; a running lawn mower; a large wooden clothes drying rack for the basement; a working computer with a better processor than ours; a trailer(!) for his atv; metal tiki torches; trays and pots for starting seeds indoors; and some smaller stuff. These weekends are the ultimate in finding your treasure in your neighbor's trash.

Our freecycle group has just branched off with a barter and exchange group as well. I hope it takes off. We love to barter, and there are some things I have really been wanting to barter for.